I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
