So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
