Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
