My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
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Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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