Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
