I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
