she was so not down for the gang bang
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
