Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
