he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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