I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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