Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
