Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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