if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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