Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
