is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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