What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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