I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
