My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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