he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
