final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
