I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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