yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
