But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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