My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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