I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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