Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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