Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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