you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
no more duck duck goose at the bar
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
