He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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