Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
