my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
ugly people sure do ruin things
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
