why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
