i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
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