Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
