just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
