So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
