Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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