I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
