i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
