Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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