can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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