You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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