my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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