Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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