Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
