yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She said her name was "party"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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