so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
