sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
