my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
