I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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