we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
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you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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