Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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