I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
