We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
