I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
