Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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