you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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