Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
