But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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