I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
