I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
