did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
