would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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