He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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