she looked like the before picture.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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