Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
