When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
